A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman- funny status facebook

 






is not sure where da stank come from!
 
A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

is if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step!!
 
says The chinese have a serious translation problem. For instance, a translator would have been a good idea when they put "poo poo platters" on their menus....

says Who in the heck thought it was a good idea to pull a foot off a rabbit and use it as a lucky charm? If it wasn't lucky for the rabbit why would it be lucky for me??
 
says looking for a leprechaun. I've already shook down all the midgets and short people I know. Guess it takes a real leprechaun to get to that pot of gold.

is Trying to quit smoking. By the way.. Apologies go out to the mormon missionary eating the junior mint..I tried to tell you..I don't do mormon but menthol is my brand...I hope your recovery goes quickly.

Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away.
 
is Let me just take care of all of this reposting I have to do at once? My life is wonderful, I hate cancer, I donated to Haiti, I support our troops, I love my Mom,I`m from Everett,Hugs and smiles to to you,I won`t join your farmville, I won`t be answering

When a man talks dirty 2 a women funny facebook status messages

....... is We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse..


....... says When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its $3.95 a minute!


....... is it possible to be in two places at twice?


....... feels sorry for guys who's girlfriends call them The Boy. Hanging out with The Boy Tonight. Obviously he's not the man.


....... says I am getting more sensitive the older I get. I realized this today as I sat on a park bench throwing bread crumbs to the old people.


....... says If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..


....... says Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.


....... says I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married.


....... wants to know that if God didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make Cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a Cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will.... !!!!


....... says What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin...


....... says Bin Laden is probably blending in, the best way he can, driving a taxicab.


....... is Awaiting anxiously for Obamas "loss off the union" speech wednesday


....... is I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome


....... I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.


....... I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.


....... is wondering, if chickens don't have fingers, how come they sell them in resturants??


....... wants to know how we manage to raise millions to help people in a country none of us have ever been to, but can't help our own poor and homeless.


....... i wasnt born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel


....... is To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..

clever and funny facebook status

clever and funny Facebook statuses!-daily updated=2

 ....is is workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.



....is is supporting Tiger Wood's habits by buying the last of his discontinued Gatorade.



....is I don't understand why people are so against eating meat. If God didn't want us eating meat, he would have given cows the ability to use machine guns and nunchucks



....is How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.



....is Wanna know why New York city never gets hurricanes? Simple, the hurricane starts coming up the coast, sees new york and says "Hmm, I must have hit this one already. Oh well, movin on!"



....is Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.



....is If Bono ,Julia Roberts and the rest of those billionare bozos care so much then why not sell one of your mansions or private jets and give it to charity. But those elitists gotta beg the hard-working Americans to give what we don't have, now get off my tv



....is My fine is $1,456,762.00... What's yours?



....is is in a Gala....isy far far away /:~}


....is if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.



....is - Ladies, the word of the day is, "Legs". Now, let's go back to my place and spread the word.



....is it good or bad that I'm going through a midlife crisis at 16?


....is was very offended by your comments and wants to hurt you



....is says if I had two brains, I still wouldn't think twice!

funny and silly facebook status updates which makes u laugh

is hated when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "u r next" They stopped that when I did the same to them after funnerals

My alarm clock & I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it’s broken. Not sure who won the fight

is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

is out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience

is retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight i got your back

thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

whats on my mind- facebook funny status updates collection

wishes facebook could read his mind so he didn't have to fill this out every time he thinks.

Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud

Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that

says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.   

advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN 

grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars? funny facebook status update

dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes

is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars? 

is wondering.... if money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away

(̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Kills but thrills    

some funny real facebook status updates

dance in the rain n ignore the pain ♥

is feeling sick again! damn! its probably the female species that's making me this sick..

oh my god... ppl stop hitting me with those dam pillows la... i m not even feeling anything..

Damn it..! Exam starts tomorrow....! ;)

Love is the history of a woman's life; it is an episode in man's....True huh??????

not really liking my new campus... trying too get use too it... at least they didn't block facebook... at the front office room :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

haha funny facebook status updates daily updated

# says if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
# the wheels of the bus go round and round.  And it's making me sick.
# stepped on an itsy bitsy spider.  Now I need to clean my shoes.
# wonders if Goldie Locks subsequently got mauled from those bears.
# and Jill went the hill to fetch a bottle of Evian water, but feels it was over priced and out of reach of the common man.
# was arrested for the London Bridge falling down, due to shoddy design.

# is done looking through the looking glass.  Now to look through the beer glass!
# is prepared to turn and devour on zombie brains.
# is reminded of a simpler time: the 80's.
# is traveling on a cloud of light through space and time.
# worbles when he should really warble.

Star war funny facebook status updates

# is busy with Jedi business, go back to your drinks.
# says size matters not.  Judge me by my size, do you?
# may not look like much, but has got it where it counts, kid!
# is almost there...just a couple of seconds.
# says there's an awful lot of moisture in here.
# just wants you to take her.  I mean it.  Take her!
# is going in, and is going in full throttle!
# says I don't think the Empire in mind when they designed her.
# say at last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi!
# says good job.  Don't get cocky.
# says I am your father.
# says that's no moon.
# is caught in a tractor beam.  It's pulling us in.

funny facebook status updates - daily updated

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

funny facebook status updates

funny and silly facebook status collections

..... is: wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

..... is: just now realizing he ran out of T.P.

..... is: on furlough, sabbatical, hiatus, break.

..... is: buckle your seatbelt Dorothy cause Kansas is going bye-bye.(Matrix Facebook status)

..... is: debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.               (Matrix Facebook status)

..... is: the limit of x as it approaches perfection.

..... is: the slope of the tangent line of the function f[x]=awesome.

..... is: fighting the good fight.
..... is: Gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse

..... is: Loving the smell of napalm in the morning

..... is: The stuff that dreams are made of

..... is: Walking here

..... is: in need of a bigger boat

..... is: Winning one for the gipper (Ronald Reagan)

..... is: Gonna get you, and your little dog too! (From Wizard of Oz)

..... is: Not Mr. Lebowski, your Mr. Lebowski. I’m the dude.

..... is: Frankly, not giving a damn. (From Gone with the Wind)
..... is: gonna lead us all in a rousing chorus of “You Are My Sunshine.”

..... is: with you folks. I’m a forgiving, Christian sort of man. And I say, if their rambunctiousness, and misdemeanoring, is behind them…

..... is: gonna pick up the pieces and retie the knot, mixaphorically speaking.

..... is: the only one that remains unaffiliated.

..... is: a Dapper Dan man!

..... is: gonna visit those foreclosing son-of-a-guns at the Indianola Savings & Loan, slap that money on the barrelhead and buy back the family farm.

..... is: the only daddy you got! the damn paterfamilias!

..... is: the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.

..... is: not sure that’s Pete.

..... is: tellin’ tales out of school

..... is: George Nelson, not baby face! You remember, and tell your friends…



..... is: going to make hermit crabs live together Thanks – Demetri Martin

..... is: an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.


..... is: learning to stop worrying and love the bomb. Thanks – Dr. Strangelove

..... is: gunter glieben glauchen globen

..... is: therefore he thinks Thanks- Luke S.

..... is: Update your status…

..... is: pondering whether coconuts migrate?

..... is: wondering what is the air speed of an unladen swallow

..... is: frustrated by the anarcho-syndicalist peasants



..... is: Miss Understood

..... is: bored as an oak

..... is: under the bed

..... is: stuDYING (homework kills) -Thanks Eliz. I

..... is: wondering if the hokey pokey is what it’s really all about?

..... is: weigh too fat Thanks to Penny for these

..... is: a comparative of which we have not yet settled the superlative.

funny facebook status collections

..... needs help watering the plastic flowers.

..... is: going through a shrinking spurt.

..... can do astonishing feats of MENTALISM!

..... says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

..... suffers from uncontrollable falling down?

..... says, Absotively posilutely!

..... is: taking a machete to the intellectual thickets of society.

..... is: learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck.

..... says, cannibals are what they eat.

..... is: on a joyride to sanity looking for his marbles.

Creative Facebook and Twitter status messages

1. is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
2. .. used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
3. .. says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
4. .. is in bed with your Girlfriend !
5. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
6. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
7. Studying for my AIDS test hope i dont fail.
8. .. understands that hard work pays off in future but Laziness pays off now !
9. .. thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest…
10. is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?
11. is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
12. is .ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q
13. thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.
14. I’m on the “Starts tomorrow” diet.
15. recommends screwing the ceiling fan in before switching it on!
16. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped
17. Is Wondering…. If Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees,, Then Why Do Banks Have Branches ?
18. found out that if you search google in google, the internet would shut down….
19. Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where u take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends
20. Insert coin to view my status message.
21. iTunes just suffered a major melt down.  I now have noTunes now
22. thinks "Recession" is when your neighbor loses his job. "Depression" is when you lose yours. And "Recovery" is when Obama loses his
23. working for the weekend, like everybody !
24. is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
25. says the only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

some funny facebook status updates

these are some funny status updates

..is getting a grip on reality... and choking it to death.

... is out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes.

...is rejecting your reality and substituting his own.

... is letting you know your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

...is laying in the road dressed as a deer

...is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

...is legally dead for insurance purposes

...is suffering from insanity...and enjoying every minute of it!

...regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

...is riding ponies outside Wal-Mart...I need quarters 

...is gathering rocks to throw at you

...dreams of the day a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned...

...is tired of chasing his dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.

...standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...

...Is trying to sell his parents. Bidding starts at $12 for both or $6 for one.