clever and funny Facebook statuses!-daily updated=2

 ....is is workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.



....is is supporting Tiger Wood's habits by buying the last of his discontinued Gatorade.



....is I don't understand why people are so against eating meat. If God didn't want us eating meat, he would have given cows the ability to use machine guns and nunchucks



....is How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.



....is Wanna know why New York city never gets hurricanes? Simple, the hurricane starts coming up the coast, sees new york and says "Hmm, I must have hit this one already. Oh well, movin on!"



....is Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.



....is If Bono ,Julia Roberts and the rest of those billionare bozos care so much then why not sell one of your mansions or private jets and give it to charity. But those elitists gotta beg the hard-working Americans to give what we don't have, now get off my tv



....is My fine is $1,456,762.00... What's yours?



....is is in a Gala....isy far far away /:~}


....is if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.



....is - Ladies, the word of the day is, "Legs". Now, let's go back to my place and spread the word.



....is it good or bad that I'm going through a midlife crisis at 16?


....is was very offended by your comments and wants to hurt you



....is says if I had two brains, I still wouldn't think twice!

funny and silly facebook status updates which makes u laugh

is hated when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "u r next" They stopped that when I did the same to them after funnerals

My alarm clock & I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake & it’s broken. Not sure who won the fight

is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

is out of order until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience

is retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight i got your back

thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

funny facebook updates for update lovers

was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers !

☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while..

~ The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

battery low please charge! 1% █ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅ ̲̅]

asks "If you choke a Smurf, what color does he turn?"

has had amnesia for as long as he can remember

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

i Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status. !!!

believes that the word 'studying' was derived from the words 'students dying'.....

whats on my mind- facebook funny status updates collection

wishes facebook could read his mind so he didn't have to fill this out every time he thinks.

Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud

Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that

says a clean house is the sign of a broken computer

thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.   

advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN 

grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars? funny facebook status update

dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes

is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars? 

is wondering.... if money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away

(̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Kills but thrills    

funny and silly facebook status collections - put these and make others smile

 
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.


is Loading ████████████ 99%


if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF


┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction


Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?  

funny facebook status updates real - daily updated

Im juz having a fcked up life....!!!

 

so my astronomy teacher just referenced world of warcraft in todays lecture lololololol

 

I HAVE NOO NUMBERS IN MY PHONE PLEASEE LEAVE UR NUMBERRS..

 

there are only 3 things in life a girl needs:1-love to make her weak 2-alcohol to make her strong 3-best friends when both make her hit the floor :)

 

is standing on the front lawn with his pants down waiting for the Google Earth Car to drive by and take a photo ;-)

 

 

 

 

 

some funny real facebook status updates

dance in the rain n ignore the pain ♥

is feeling sick again! damn! its probably the female species that's making me this sick..

oh my god... ppl stop hitting me with those dam pillows la... i m not even feeling anything..

Damn it..! Exam starts tomorrow....! ;)

Love is the history of a woman's life; it is an episode in man's....True huh??????

not really liking my new campus... trying too get use too it... at least they didn't block facebook... at the front office room :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

haha funny facebook status updates daily updated

# says if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
# the wheels of the bus go round and round.  And it's making me sick.
# stepped on an itsy bitsy spider.  Now I need to clean my shoes.
# wonders if Goldie Locks subsequently got mauled from those bears.
# and Jill went the hill to fetch a bottle of Evian water, but feels it was over priced and out of reach of the common man.
# was arrested for the London Bridge falling down, due to shoddy design.

# is done looking through the looking glass.  Now to look through the beer glass!
# is prepared to turn and devour on zombie brains.
# is reminded of a simpler time: the 80's.
# is traveling on a cloud of light through space and time.
# worbles when he should really warble.

Star war funny facebook status updates

# is busy with Jedi business, go back to your drinks.
# says size matters not.  Judge me by my size, do you?
# may not look like much, but has got it where it counts, kid!
# is almost there...just a couple of seconds.
# says there's an awful lot of moisture in here.
# just wants you to take her.  I mean it.  Take her!
# is going in, and is going in full throttle!
# says I don't think the Empire in mind when they designed her.
# say at last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi!
# says good job.  Don't get cocky.
# says I am your father.
# says that's no moon.
# is caught in a tractor beam.  It's pulling us in.

cereal funny facebook status updates

# is magically delicious.
# is enjoying their fun, frosted site.
# is looking for their lucky charms.
# is not small.  No, no, no.  Name is big.  Yea, yea, yea.
# knows that Trix are for good times.
# will give you two scopes of raisins!
# says They're Great!
# is cuckoo for small chocolate tasty puffed rice.

clever and funny Facebook statuses!-daily updated

# is tired of being treading on.  It's just going in circles and I'm wheelie tired of it.
# is out for a run.  Which is really just exhausting oneself in a futile attempt to get back where on started.
# wonders why so many poeple don't spel check their updates.
# is like fine art.  Old and no one understands me.  :)
# is doing a photo shoot to tribute Marilyn too.  Move over Lindsay!
# was once in love with work.  However, we've filed for a trial separation.
# wonders why people waste their time posting updates on Facebook...ohhh fudge!

make fun of your friends

funny and silly facebook status collections

# is a series of linked molecules.
# still wishes it was Saturday.  But tomorrow will wish it were Friday.
# is made mostly of water.
# is.
# is taking it one day at a time.  Sort of like a calendar.
# is not online.  Really.  I'm not sure how this got updated.
# doesn't see the excitement from snow.  Really, it's just frozen water.
# is burning like a midnight oil.  I wish they made a creme for it.

funny facebook status updates - daily updated

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

funny facebook status updates

funny facebook status updates - daily updated

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

funny facebook status updates from funny quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

funny and silly facebook status collections

..... is: wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

..... is: just now realizing he ran out of T.P.

..... is: on furlough, sabbatical, hiatus, break.

..... is: buckle your seatbelt Dorothy cause Kansas is going bye-bye.(Matrix Facebook status)

..... is: debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.               (Matrix Facebook status)

..... is: the limit of x as it approaches perfection.

..... is: the slope of the tangent line of the function f[x]=awesome.

..... is: fighting the good fight.
..... is: Gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse

..... is: Loving the smell of napalm in the morning

..... is: The stuff that dreams are made of

..... is: Walking here

..... is: in need of a bigger boat

..... is: Winning one for the gipper (Ronald Reagan)

..... is: Gonna get you, and your little dog too! (From Wizard of Oz)

..... is: Not Mr. Lebowski, your Mr. Lebowski. I’m the dude.

..... is: Frankly, not giving a damn. (From Gone with the Wind)
..... is: gonna lead us all in a rousing chorus of “You Are My Sunshine.”

..... is: with you folks. I’m a forgiving, Christian sort of man. And I say, if their rambunctiousness, and misdemeanoring, is behind them…

..... is: gonna pick up the pieces and retie the knot, mixaphorically speaking.

..... is: the only one that remains unaffiliated.

..... is: a Dapper Dan man!

..... is: gonna visit those foreclosing son-of-a-guns at the Indianola Savings & Loan, slap that money on the barrelhead and buy back the family farm.

..... is: the only daddy you got! the damn paterfamilias!

..... is: the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.

..... is: not sure that’s Pete.

..... is: tellin’ tales out of school

..... is: George Nelson, not baby face! You remember, and tell your friends…



..... is: going to make hermit crabs live together Thanks – Demetri Martin

..... is: an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.


..... is: learning to stop worrying and love the bomb. Thanks – Dr. Strangelove

..... is: gunter glieben glauchen globen

..... is: therefore he thinks Thanks- Luke S.

..... is: Update your status…

..... is: pondering whether coconuts migrate?

..... is: wondering what is the air speed of an unladen swallow

..... is: frustrated by the anarcho-syndicalist peasants



..... is: Miss Understood

..... is: bored as an oak

..... is: under the bed

..... is: stuDYING (homework kills) -Thanks Eliz. I

..... is: wondering if the hokey pokey is what it’s really all about?

..... is: weigh too fat Thanks to Penny for these

..... is: a comparative of which we have not yet settled the superlative.

Lots of funny facebook status updates

..... is: getting time-off for good behavior.

..... asks that you quote him as saying he was misquoted.

..... has 20/20 hearing!

..... says, Oh no! Not another learning experience!

..... says, These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

..... wishes you a Happy New Now!

..... says, wake me up when it’s time to go to sleep.

..... is: thinking of a number between 1 and 10.

..... is: shiny (from Firefly)

..... is: kekekekeke

..... is: all your base are belong to us. (AYBABTU from gamer culture)

..... is: run Forest, run! from Forest Gump – Thanks to Brett H.

..... is: sleeping because he’s not nocturnal.

..... is: training to withstand sleep deprivation torture.

..... is: wondering when they invented the word neologism… what did they call it?

..... is: showing his colleagues your profile and they’re all laughing at your picture.



..... is: just got back from his probation hearing.

..... is: (has) logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

..... is: presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

..... is: being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

..... is: gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

..... is: wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

..... is: pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni’”

..... is: reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

..... is: a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

..... is: doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

funny facebook status collections

..... needs help watering the plastic flowers.

..... is: going through a shrinking spurt.

..... can do astonishing feats of MENTALISM!

..... says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

..... suffers from uncontrollable falling down?

..... says, Absotively posilutely!

..... is: taking a machete to the intellectual thickets of society.

..... is: learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck.

..... says, cannibals are what they eat.

..... is: on a joyride to sanity looking for his marbles.

clever and funny Facebook statuses!

..... train of thought has derailed

..... says, Shaloha!

..... mono isn’t getting better…it could turn into stereo.

..... says, Space heaters make great house-warming gifts!

..... is: flossing with angel hair pasta.

..... has zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.

..... wonders, chai tea vs. tai chi?

..... wants you to know, there’s a great juggler on the radio tonight!

..... is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes.

..... has a marvelous rack of spam recipe

..... is: wondering, what does cheese say when you take its picture?

..... is: on a crusade for Moorish dignity.

..... is: reading ASAP’s Fables.

Creative Facebook and Twitter status messages

1. is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
2. .. used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
3. .. says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
4. .. is in bed with your Girlfriend !
5. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
6. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
7. Studying for my AIDS test hope i dont fail.
8. .. understands that hard work pays off in future but Laziness pays off now !
9. .. thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest…
10. is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?
11. is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
12. is .ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q
13. thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.
14. I’m on the “Starts tomorrow” diet.
15. recommends screwing the ceiling fan in before switching it on!
16. Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped
17. Is Wondering…. If Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees,, Then Why Do Banks Have Branches ?
18. found out that if you search google in google, the internet would shut down….
19. Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where u take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends
20. Insert coin to view my status message.
21. iTunes just suffered a major melt down.  I now have noTunes now
22. thinks "Recession" is when your neighbor loses his job. "Depression" is when you lose yours. And "Recovery" is when Obama loses his
23. working for the weekend, like everybody !
24. is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
25. says the only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

Funny Tiger Woods Facebook Status Updates

1. would like to remind Tiger that he who drives well on the fairway... does NOT fair well in the driveway!
2. wonders how many women, would a Tiger Woods woody if a Tiger Woods would woody women? He would woody as many women could he until Woody gets hit by a 3 woody.
3. needs you to do him a huge favor. Can you please, uh, take my name off your facebook list?
4. had a tough day, where, on his second ho, he drove through a water hazard and into the trees...
5. thinks it's times like these where he asks himself... What would Tiger do?
6. is wondering if she is the only one who hasn't had sex with Tiger.
7. isn't sure what a "transgression" is, but dang, I want to get me some of that!
8. can't believe Tiger's response as to why he had "transgressions"...  "They're Grrrreat!"
9. is shocked that Nike is changing their slogan after Tiger's "transgressions" to "Just Do Me!"
10. heard that Tiger is giving up golf, and becoming an actor... His 1st movie: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Transgressions"
11. thinks the beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
12. read that "Tiger is ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.

some funny facebook status updates

these are some funny status updates

..is getting a grip on reality... and choking it to death.

... is out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes.

...is rejecting your reality and substituting his own.

... is letting you know your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

...is laying in the road dressed as a deer

...is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

...is legally dead for insurance purposes

...is suffering from insanity...and enjoying every minute of it!

...regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

...is riding ponies outside Wal-Mart...I need quarters 

...is gathering rocks to throw at you

...dreams of the day a chicken can cross the road without having his motives questioned...

...is tired of chasing his dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.

...standing on his front lawn with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to come by and take his picture...

...Is trying to sell his parents. Bidding starts at $12 for both or $6 for one.

2010 New Year's Resolution Funny Facebook Status Updates

1.  's 2010 New Year's resolution is to NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards ceremony.
2. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to hide the golf clubs before having multiple "transgressions".
3. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to avoid having 8 kids and getting a reality TV show.
4. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to come up with another way to get on TV instead of faking that his 6 year old son is in a runaway weather balloon.
5. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to see Michael Jackson live in concert.  What?  He died?  How come there was no media coverage?
6. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to be on the guest list for Obama's next state dinner.
7. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to re-enact the movie "The Hangover" in real life.
8. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to find hidden immunity idols in his house with no clues.
9. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to finally collect on his fortunes from Nigeria... Suckers!
10. 's 2010 New Year's resolution is to be more like Sarah Palin a finish evertything that I st